The Child of Which We Don't Speak

Four years ago, Ezekiel (Zeke), my second born decided that he did not want to be a part of a big family and chose to live with his biological father.  His reasoning at the time was that he was tired of sharing his stuff and having to share attention.  His biological father also has a lot more money and a lot less kids so, the prospect of having some new cool stuff didn't hurt in a ten year old's decision making process at the time.  I did not handle the situation well when  Zeke told me that he wanted to go live with his dad.  I was neither supportive, or understanding of his decision.  I point blank told Zeke that he would be changing his relationship with me and the rest of his family forever and I thought it was a big mistake, but I let him make that decision.

Zeke lived with his dad for four years.  I figured that was where he would remain.  I picked him up every other weekend, called on important dates, had him two weeks in the summer, and scheduled birthday celebrations around his visitation.  Stephen the oldest called Zeke a traitor for leaving, Josie didn't mind, and Elijah and Colin gave him coolest brother around title because he always came home with cool stuff.  When people asked how many kids I had a still told them 5, but I thought I was being a little dishonest because Zeke didn't live with us.  His picture was on my desk and because he wasn't at my athletic or school events the students would ask if he really existed.

Fast forward to February of this year.  Zeke asked if he could come home to go to high school.  I was just as surprised when he asked to come back home as I was when he asked to go live with his dad.  Zeke tried to be diplomatic under my cross examination, but because he was not as familiar with my techniques he broke in five minutes.  His siblings were shocked that he didn't last very long under interrogation and I was a little shocked too.  Zeke disclosed that he was sad and lonely and that nobody really understood him at his dad's.  We spent an hour talking about how different life was now from when he left and he still wanted to come back home.  Part of me was happy and another part of me was mad.  The happy go lucky child I dropped off  four years ago was a sad, angry teenager who wanted to come back home.  I figured his father would say no Zeke couldn't come home, but he was more than willing to let Zeke come back home.  As the months got closer to Zeke permanently coming back home, more information was disclosed at what a mess Zeke really was.  Every visitation a new disclosure of a problem was made.  Some normal and some very serious.  Of course he was a mess and honestly I was mad that I was getting to play clean up, but unlike the irrational, emotional reaction I had four years ago when Zeke left, this time I handled it better (plus I have a whole summer to retrain and since we are moving everyone is in a state of change).

People are getting to meet the child of which we didn't speak of, including me and the rest of the family.  Zeke has arrived a virtual stranger to a strange land.  Spending a weekend here is no where near what it is like to live here everyday.  There have been growing pains.  Zeke is used to having his own space and being by himself.  That doesn't happen here unless your in the bathroom and even that is not a guarantee.  Everyone else in the house is well versed in seizures and migraine plans and Zeke is definitely not.  The utter fear he can get in his face when Elijah or I have a seizure would be comical if he wasn't so scared.  Zeke has yet to adopt the family motto of "have a seizure and carry on"!  Access to food has been interesting and he appears to enjoy the baking and home cooked meals that are not gluten free, or chosen based on healthy food status. Navigating the limited resources in a large family with siblings who are prone to physical retaliation has been a learning process for a otherwise smart kid.  Apparently living in a very affluent family did not teach Zeke how to defend himself and not to pick fights with the family brawlers (Elijah and Josie have both had turns at showing Zeke that size doesn't always matter).  My second son has lots of book sense, but were working on the common sense.  He's prone to over reacting, can be a real smart ass and is use to be sent to his room when he's difficult.  All things that don't happen around here because I'm the only one allowed to behave like that because I pay the bills! (Joking, but not too much).

We are trying to re-integrate Zeke into the family, which has required a lot of patience and explaining by everyone.  Elijah has reviewed seizure plans.  Colin has reviewed food and bedtime schedules.  Josie has reviewed chores and bathroom procedures.  There has been watching of shows where I let the younger kids explain how mom will react if Zeke engages in such behavior.  Zeke has been assigned chores and given his own room until we move.  Since it's summer, I've given the kids a little more access to electronics than during school, which gives Zeke hero status with his younger siblings. Zeke helped with the selection of the house and school choices were made considering his gifted academic status.  We are trying to make sure that Zeke feels like a member of the family before we move to a new town where he'll have no choice but to claim being part of this crazy clan. He'll have to learn to keep calm and Gagnon on! Besides, now that he's here full time, we speak about him all the time, so he might as well jump into the conversation!