A Hard Day

Mama said there'd be days like this and I wished she'd kept her mouth shut! Today was hard and derailing to my current project/ quest for happiness and less stress! My support system at home is busy with their own quests of internal happiness, so I'm on my own and I don't like it! If your picturing me crossing my arms, pouting my lips and stomping my feet right before I bust out in tears, then you have a clear picture of my psyche today!

Started my day with an ugly incident with a student of mine that is like one of my own kids. Nothing worse then knowing the current mess is going to change a student's life, probably not in a good way, and all you can do is hand them a tissue and pat their back until the ugliness is done! It's a horrible feeling knowing the grown ups around you messed things up for a kid and there isn't anything you can do to fix it but hold their hand and try not to cry with them while their world falls apart! I hope my student knows how dishearten I am about the ugliness he's going through right now and that he has a grown up in his corner.

Second, trying to convince my son to keep a family tradition going was an extremely trying experience! I really don't want a three hour lecture from my mom about all the things I've done wrong in my life because he doesn't want to comply! I'm a little old for a brow beating from my mom, but know its coming if said son can't get with the family tradition. I continue to fail to understand why he refuses to enjoy the milestones towards adulthood (driving, class rings, letterman jacket, homecoming)! It drives me crazy worrying he'll look back and wished he had!

Third, I went to the dentist! I hate the dentist! Cleaning my teeth hurts, my gums bleed, and I never leave there without a whopping treatment plan! Today's damage? Two fillings, surgeon consult, one crown, two fractured teeth that will require crowns and possibly root canals to avoid infection of my jaw! Did I neglect to tell you Elijah must have braces ASAP with a 400 down payment, the water heater has died and I need 2000 in dental work done! That was a little hard to digest.

Lastly, Elijah screwed up his meds! Not sure how, when or why, but he did! My husbands dog got her paw stuck in the kennel and appears to also be having seizures! I forgot the milk and know I'll forget being the tooth fairy later tonight, I've washed the same load of laundry four times in the last two days (please don't let me have ruined my coaching shirt) and have been fighting a losing battle with fleas!

It's been a hard day! I'd love to curl up and have a nice long cry, but then I'd have a nice long migraine so I won't indulge in a little self pity right now! That will make for a really hard day! Here's to an easy peasey day tomorrow!

The Family That Runs Together Has Fun Together

The Boy and his Sign (and the reason we ran)!

Elijah with his pre race donut!

It started with an idea to do something that would make Elijah feel like he had a little more control over his new life with seizures.  Elijah and I have researched and talked, and talked and talked about how to ensure he can be as independent as possible with a seizure disorder.  Concessions have been made on both our ends, such as he won't enter a body of water by himself, he won't climb on things by himself and he won't play sports where he could land on the top of his head.  The by himself was my concession to Elijah's need for independence, the won't by himself was Elijah's concession to a worried mom.  As we were both learning more about managing his seizures through the Epilepsy Foundation of Georgia, we discovered that they hosted a race every year to raise money for outreach and a camp for kids with Epilepsy.  Elijah wanted to be in control of some aspect of his disease and well, I can't resist the opportunity to have a viable reason to get five kids, one husband and one of their friends up at 5am and running by 7:30! I also promised everyone a soda after the race because they ran for a good cause! I'm not above a little bribery to get the family moving!

I'm not a thing of beauty in this tutu!

In an attempt to convince others, my family especially, that we were really going to run a 5K together, I bet my volleyball team and the family that if I met my individual fundraising goal of $250 then I would complete the entire race wearing a tutu!  For those of you that know me well this is not a bet I took lightly.  You see for the last year and a half that I have been actively running , I have DETESTED (did I make that clear enough) running skirts and tutus! I have rolled my eyes and outright said that such things were stupid additions to the running world and that I would never wear one.  Well today I wore one for a good cause and because a bet is a bet.  Besides, one of my volleyball girls who broke her foot and couldn't run made it for me to run in and would of been very rude not to.  Thank GOD we did not meet the team $1000 goal or I'd be running the race in a running skirt and a tutu!

The kid part of our team ready to run and take turns with the sign!

 It was a beautiful day for a run!  Weather was perfect, the traffic to the race was light, and most importantly, I was able to get all seven of us out the door, pick up Stephen's friend and arrive to the race by 7AM!  Picking up and pinning on race numbers was a new experience for half of us and they're were many questions about having to wear it, what it was for, and most important... when do you get to take it off. I have been the only person to wear a D Tag (a nifty way to have chip timing that doesn't weigh down the race number, which is the best invention ever since I'm kinda attached to my light weight dry fit shirts) so the kids were confused, but delighted to wear them on their shoes! Everyone was pretty impressed with the team sign too, until they realized that they were going to have to take turns carrying it.  Hey, I'm wearing the tutu so I promised myself that I would not be carrying the sign!

The family Kenyan ready to kick all our butts!

At the start we decided to run two by two.  That way everyone would have a buddy and wouldn't be by themselves.  My intention was to put the faster people with the other fast people, but because my family likes to do things their own way a fast person paired up with a slow (read I'm only hear because I have to be and I'm walking this joker)person.  The race started and we started in the back because we were still working on pairings and arguing about who would carry the sign. Colin took the sign first, but handed it off within two minutes to Zeke. Stephen and his friend took off ahead of the group in an attempt not to get passed by the rest of the group.  Then Colin decided he really wanted to run, and my husband who hasn't trained in months volunteered to let him open up and really run! Sometimes adults forget that seven year little boys who run like Kenyan's have boundless energy! After about a quarter mile Zeke and Elijah decided to take off so they wouldn't be beat by the girls in the family and I really didn't mind because they took off with the sign! SO, Josie and I walked and ran down the hills (because I forget my ankle brace in the car)! The boys were so far ahead that they did not get to hear all the great comments I got about the tutu! Despite starting in the back, Josie and I passed Stephen and his friend at mile 2 and at 2.5 miles caught up to Zeke and Elijah who gave us the sign right before they said they would not get beat by a lady wearing a tutu! At the last .1 of the race guess who had to bring the sign home? If you said the lady in the tutu you're the winner!  Of course looking back the carrying the sign wasn't as bad as running with Colin who really did think he was a Kenyan (poor Brian looked exhausted even after a ten minute recovery before everyone came in)!

Me and Brian post race!

Stephen and his friend Kandace realizing they're about to run 3.1 miles!

Earning a tee shirt was new for most of us!  For five of the kids it was their first dry fit tee shirt (hey, maybe I'll have a family of runners yet!). As well as a post race party that involved wet towels, free food (including some really good french toast bagels and cookies), and bouncy toys! The kids were pretty good about letting me get some pictures of one of the few times that they were getting along and playing nicely with each other (could be because they were still not fully awake, or that they were too tired to argue with each other, but I'll take it).  Josie asked if we could make this a family tradition and I'm pretty sure that everyone had a good time.  The older kids and adults were a little embarrassed that a 79 year old guy beat most of us by 20 minutes, but hey it was for a good cause!  Elijah met some other people that were not letting seizures limit them and I was able to see my family have fun doing something I love! Of course an additional benefit of running as a family is that all the kids are ready to go to bed at 8pm!  Yes, I can see many family runs in the future!  After all, the family that runs together has fun together!

One of the few group shots I'll ever get!

Josie will be rocking the tutu next year!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly!

This post is written in kinda short and to the point sentences! I know it's not my usual entertaining banter, but it's been an interesting day!

So today's been a pretty interesting day as far as interesting days go! I don't know about you, but I always prefer to get the bad stuff out of the way first. That's probably why my husband scheduled Elijah's neurologist appointment for this morning! The news from the neurologist was mixed! I've managed not to kill Elijah by waiting too long to come to the doctor's! We learned that Elijah's seizures, migraines and brain to close to the brain stem issues can cause too much pressure in the brain! Brain Pressure is always a BAD THING! I feel pretty guilty for not knowing Elijah's issues could cause brain pressure that can cause permanent brain damage! If the medication cocktail doesn't improve symptoms in a month then an EEG must be completed and Elijah is not feeling going back into the ring with that machine and another knock out! The doctor's secretaries don't know how to work a fax machine! The new assistant principal doesn't know a damn thing about 504 plans,seizure action plans or my kid (can't wait for her to talk to Elijah tomorrow)!

The UGLY parts of the day were primarily dealing with a couple ignorant, self absorbed and generally hateful people! I'm sorry they're plates are currently overloaded with the demands of work, or their home improvements, or court or they're animals! I would of appreciated not being blamed for things I didn't do because I wasn't present or their lack of responsible behavior! Not my kid sweethearts! I'm a little busy with my own! Since the "sweethearts" are self absorbed with themselves and enjoy kicking people when they're down, I'm sure they will understand the ugliness they get back in return! You know what they say about KARMA sweethearts!

The Good parts of today are several! People have offered prayers up for Elijah and some even offered them for me to have the strength to deal with his needs. Everyone can benefit from some prayers! There doesn't appear to be any increased brain pressure in Elijah's head and he's still neurologically intact! Yeah for Elijah's brain for not putting extra pressure on the both of us because I feel guilty enough! Elijah asked to go for a two mile walk because he "needed to process what the doctor told me, so we wouldn't be stressed about headaches and seizures!" I love a good walk! The guidance counselor was fantastic dealing with the doctor's office and the 504 coordinator! Thank God she finds my kids entertaining! Elijah taught his brother and sister about side effects of medications and how his new meds could effect him. Nobody was too surprised that Elijah is not pregnant, drinking alcohol, or nursing so his side effects shouldn't be too bad! Elijah cut his own meds in half with the pill cutter and managed to not destroy, not lose and not cut a finger doing it! I got two loads of laundry done and remembered to bring milk home (hey remembering the milk is a pretty big deal when four kids can't eat cereal in the morning)! The remainder of the family was extra nice and patient tonight while Elijah and I processed the information from the neurologist to be re delivered to the rest of the world! When you've heard the same info six times and you intently listen each time that's a very good thing! Everyone in this house is sleeping, or being quiet before ten pm! Mom can now get her thoughts wrapped around the interesting day which is not always a luxury I have!

The attached picture is from Elijah's first EEG! We know Elijah is strong, he is brave and he will persevere! We're hoping for good days ahead, meds that work and people who enter our lives to be positive supports and supporters!

How are you feeling? Fine minus the migraine!

It's a new school year and the time of year I spend educating students and teachers about migraine and seizures. Not only do I teach people with neurological impairments, I'm also a client, which means I can speak from first hand experience. This should make for a better educational experience for all involved, but most often not because people don't want the truth and nothing but the truth when it comes to chronic illness!

I have my normal speech I give my athletes and students about having chronic migraine. Such things as to why I don't turn the lights on (thank God for a room with a window this year), why I sometimes wear sunglasses inside, why the alarm in my phone goes off every four hours to take meds, why my face looks saggy sometimes and why my words come out funny sometimes are all major points of the speech! I answer questions about migraines and then the issue is pretty well over until I get a migraine at school, which is the second day of school.

Shortly after the newness of knowing someone who averages 15-20 migraines a month wears off, I start getting questions. Most questions come from coworkers, or other people being friendly, or people who just don't believe someone has debilitating headaches as much as I do and still stands upright! I get the "How do you feel question?" question, the "What's wrong question?" or the "How bad?" question. When people ask how I feel I struggle with the honesty in my response. Most people want to hear "fine," not all the details of which stage of the migraine I'm in. Too bad for them because I've done a lot of research on the stages of migraines and think I do a pretty good job explaining them!

The what's wrong question begs for the following response, "Thank you for asking what's wrong. I have chronic migraine with aura and spend 15-20 days of the month feeling pretty crappy! You got me on a good day, so hopefully your voice and smell have not caused me to become a hermit in a dark, noiseless and fragrance free cave!" Despite some processing weaknesses during migraine attacks, I'm pretty sure that I would not be winning any friends with that response so, I usually respond with "I'm fine" or "Just a headache!"

"How bad" is my favorite because that means the person gets it. They either have migraines, live with someone that has migraines or they are a neurologist. Since I don't travel in circles where large quantities of neurologists frequent, the other two types of people are my most frequent "how bad" discussion mates. We'll talk pain rating scales, MIDAS rating scales, various triggers (food, weather, hormones, lighting, noise or smells), previous preventatives, current preventatives, abortive therapies, diet and supplements. Enlightening conversation for anyone walking by, but I don't get many "how bad" questions from people who don't know me extremely well, and the people who know me extremely well don't ask because they know without asking that migraines suck!

So next time you ask me a question in regards to how I'm feeling, I'll try to remember my very best Emily Post manners, but please forgive me if you catch me on a migraine day and I respond with an honest answer, straight from the heart! Currently that would be six days in a month that I don't have a migraine so, good luck!

My Biggest Fan

My biggest fan avoiding the paparazzi!

Lots of people have fans.  Writers, professional athletes, actors, but for most of us our biggest fans tend to be family members.  I hope that my kids think that I'm their biggest fan.  They tell me I'm definitely their loudest fan so, I guess that's something.  For most people their biggest fan is their parents.  I'd like to say that's true of me too, but I'd be lying.  My mom isn't really the cheerleader type and she strongly believes in her theory that I can survive almost anything independently.  She's probably right, but I enjoy having a fan club in my life.  I have students who are a big fan and athletes who are fans of my coaching.  I hear I can be very entertaining and there is photographic/video proof of such antics.

My kids are my fans, when I'm not making them clean their rooms, pick up, get along with each other or just be decent human beings who don't bring dishonor to their family or themselves. So, I'd say they were my fans about ten percent of the time.  Please don't ask them how proud they are of me after a game when they are hungry, after one of many rants on the importance of education, first thing in the morning when I wake them up for school, or when they have to get up to watch mom run a race!  Probably not a good idea to ask Josie, Zeke or Colin if they're my fans when I'm having a migraine and trying to carry on.  The three of them have never had a headache so, they don't comprehend the greatness needed to complete such a task.  You could ask Stephen, but since he goes to school with me and has had to carry me inside from the car a couple times, he'd probably tell you'd he'd be a bigger fan if I worked less and lost about ten pounds.  (Stephen is now taking weight training and since he's building more muscles, I think I'll be able to carry some extra weight when he has to carry me in the house and thus build my family fan base numbers). Elijah comprehends the difficulty of living with migraine, but he's usually too busy trying to muster up his own greatness to carry on with migraines and epilepsy. 
  
So, whose my biggest fan? Well, that's a pretty easy question to answer.  It's my husband Brian.  I'd put a picture of his face up so you could congratulate him for surviving our crazy life together, but he hates having his picture taken!  It really doesn't matter what I do, he's been my biggest fan since high school.  When I cheered in high school he'd watch and tell me I was one of the best one's out there. (I've seen the pictures and know that he has exaggerated any cheer leading ability I had). When I decided to go to school 1200 miles away from home, he put me on the plane and told me I'd do a great job! When I started coaching he's spend endless hours listening to me about my teams and then come to watch to support me and tell me how far they had come.  He'd even participate if it meant I could have a better outcome (he still does and that's why the girls call him Man Gagnon). When I finished my Master's, he was proud of me and told everyone he knew that I had a Master's degree (most of my teaching friends have Master's degrees, but he didn't care and told them all at least a 100 times).  When I got my PhD, he ran around at graduation showing all the other new Doc's my dissertation, like they didn't just write one themselves! (It was his dissertation too as he helped with typing all 200 pages of it).  He's never missed a race I've run and has even been known to come and find me on the course and run with me to the finish! Even more amazing is that he's not a runner and will do this on long training runs too!  He calls in prescriptions, picks me up a work, takes nights off when migraine knocks me out and tells me I'm smart and beautiful even when I can't string two coherent words together and I have bags down to my knees from exhaustion.  He tells me I can when I feel like I can't.  He tells me I'm great when I think I can do better.  He tells me he's proud of my accomplishments when I don't think they stack up! So to my biggest fan, I appreciate your undying devotion, your support and your encouragement through life's journey. Oh, and I'm kinda a pretty big fan of yours too!

Attitude check

"I have my own attitude so you can keep yours!" I can't count how many times in the last twenty years I have said that to athletes, students and my own kids! I'd like to say it to some adults, but can't afford to go to jail, and I'm really too old to get my butt beat in public. Since I'm a coach, teacher and parent, I feel it's my calling from God to address this attitude issue head on! If it applies to grown ups you know, well that's just bonus education!

First, who said anyone was entitled to whatever they want in this world? "You have to play me. You have to share/feed me. You should give me respect/items/food/rides etc because I'm me." End entitlement behavior! It doesn't help make productive members of society! Entitlement does nothing for the human race but insure populations that can't sustain themselves! (remember the fall of Rome people?) Besides, I really feel I should be entitled to slap the attitude right off your face, but I don't because I'm not entitled to and could go to jail for doing so!

Speaking of faces, or body language in general, the answer is yes I saw it and yes you did it! Huffs, puffs, eye rolling, pouting, shaking your head, neck gyrating,pouting, gritting your teeth, I saw it! Please, let's stop pretending everything's okay when I ask you what the problem is? I can read very well thank you, and that includes body language and facial expressions! Just tell someone what the problem is so they can help you find a solution!!

Lastly, sarcastic,insulting, passive aggressive verbal banter just tells me your ready to play! Be careful, because you're not going to point out flaws that my mother spent years addressing, so others won't. Highly doubtful that comments about my looks will bother me either since I've never fancied myself attractive. Oh, and if your going to pull out the "b" word? Please get my title right, Dr. Head B In Charge! I'm not entitled to the title, I've earned it through hard work!

I work very hard to keep my attitude in check. I'm trying hard to be positive and show empathy to those around me, but just remember if you choose to show me your attitude, I'll show you mine!

What Happens When You Have A Seizure on an Escalator

Okay, those of you that follow me on Facebook have probably waited a few days for this post.  On Sunday, Zeke, Colin, Elijah and I went to the Mall of Georgia to shop and get pretzel bites for lunch.  While I know that waiting for your mom, while she has a long involved discussion with the people in Williams and Sonoma about benays (I think I probably spellt that wrong, but they are one of the best things I've ever put in my mouth and apparently you only find them at Cafe Du Monde) is not the boys' idea of a good time. Getting pretzel bites, on the other hand is a good time.

We got our pretzel bites and drinks.  This meant that each person was carrying two cups, one with soda and one with pretzel bites.  Did I forget that we had to get on a long escalator with said cups to reach a table to eat at.  Yeah, the escalator, not really a good idea apparently for a child with seizures. Elijah proceeded to have a short simple seizure while getting on the escalator.  Luckily his hand locked up on the drink cup.  Not so lucky is that his feet were three steps apart.  Elijah recovered quickly when I shouted out his name and Zeke grabbed him from falling over the edge of the railing.  Elijah only dropped three pretzel bites from his cup and doesn't really remember Zeke yanking back so his feet were on one step.  Everyone got safely off the escalator, but unfortunately the three pretzel bites fell onto a table below the escalator.

This where other people's stupidity kicked in and I have little patience for stupidity past the age of ten!  First, who puts a table beside an escalator.  People's feet, dust, germs, the ability to look up girls skirts? Yeah stupid idea on the part of the table organizers at the mall.  Second, the three hundred pound lady sitting with her 200 pound husband, eating Taco Bell, and their preschool aged kids, even more ignorant and stupid!

As we are getting off the escalator fat man starts coming towards us. "Those F*** kids just dropped S*** on my table and kids.  Well, I knew that Elijah had dropped something and while the fat man was looking for the culprits because he's too fat to move quickly and too stupid to watch whose coming off the escalator with said S***, he passed right by us.  I took Elijah by the table to apologize and offer to pick up whatever he dropped and compensate any food he had contaminated.  Well, female fat cow decided to strut her mental prowess as Elijah tried to apologize. "That kid almost hit my babies with that S***!  You really need to get control of that kid!" Enter mama bear (which would be ME)!  "He's trying to apologize for something he couldn't help!" Fat cow responds, "It's not hard to get on an esclator and not dump his stuff over the side!"
Elijah apologized again and offered to pick up whatever he dumped, but Fat Cow's daughter was eating the dropped pretzel bites.  Enter Mama Bear Again!  "We're sorry, but he has epilepsy and had a little seizure getting on the escalator." What Fat Cow said next made me want to cuss her out and punch her in her face as she tried to waddle herself onto the escalator!  Her response to a kid who has seizures and is apologizing for a mistake he had no control over, not forgiveness, or grace or simple courtesy.  No her response, "Epilepsy, I've never heard of that!  Nice of you to make up some crazy disease to excuse your kids bad behavior!"

I had to walk away!  Far away! Across to the other side of the food court!  Then when we sat down, I had to explain to my boys that she was ignorant and if THEY ever responded to someone like she did us, they'd eat their teeth for lunch! The boys were great about the whole incident!  They enjoyed their pretzel bites and all agreed that apologizing was the right thing to do, even if it was to a stupid, ignorant, fat cow!

I know that it's not nice to call overweight people fat cows, but it's also not nice to be a witch to a kid trying to apologize! I'll ask forgiveness from my friends who carry a little extra weight and I'll say a couple Hail Mary's and Our Fathers for my un-Christian thoughts, but I'll also pray that some educates that women so she doesn't have to live in ignorance and stupidity for the rest of her life!

Elijah having a great time with his pretzel bites despite dealing with stupidity!

Zeke and Colin having a good time after witnessing stupidity in action!

Tired, Well Beyond Tired

Fatigue is a common symptom of chronic migraine and rheumatoid arthritis and it's a common villain in my daily life! Fatigue causes migraines and joint inflammation to be worse, but it also makes it hard to live the life I want to live.

For instance, I haven't run in almost a month. My feet are swollen from adjusting to standing most of the day. I also wake up most mornings feeling like I didn't sleep more than three hours. Neither one of these symptoms helps further my training or my goal to run a marathon! This week I'm trying two for Tuesdays (2 miles Tuesday am) and 3 for Thursdays. Maybe running at 5am will get things going!

Another instance, well tonight was first day of school paperwork fill out night. You know,the night where your kids come home with 20 papers that are "so important you have to sign them right now" night! When you keep nodding off and every joint hurts, it's hard to write legibly and stay on the designated line. Thank God my kids all have teachers who are familiar with our family! It'll also be nice when the kids are old enough to fill out their own paperwork and all I have to do is sign. Hell, they can sign for me, I'll never tell!

Lastly, in an effort to fight fatigue I now live a very scheduled life. Up at 5 in bed by ten, weekends and weekdays in an effort to stay off fatigue and be a functioning member of society. Most days it works, some days like today it doesn't and I'll be ready to collapse by seven pm. I can't collapse because there's laundry to be done, dinners to be made and hugs to be given! I feel bad that I'm not the wife, mother, coach, or teacher that I want to be because some days I can't move out of my own way. I'm trying to learn how to savor the good days and stay strong on my bad days, but today that has just been plain old tiring! So today I give in and will look like the picture below, in hopes that tomorrow I'll have endless energy!

Who goes to Walmart at ten pm?

Who goes to Walmart at ten pm? Well my sister and her boyfriend for starters. I had a very nice conversation with my sister for about 15 minutes. She did ask me if I was sick because I looked sick! Yes I'm sick because it's ten pm and I'm in the middle of Walmart when I should be in bed!

Lots of teenagers in the Walmart too. Apparently Walmart provides the perfect place to meet up with friends and hang out. I really don't think they need the electric carts, but hey it's not any different than bumper cars at the fair except you have a basket of groceries in the front!

I was at Walmart because of fleas!! I hate bugs of any kind and because the kids are pretty attached to the animals, and the seizure migraine warning cat is losing her hair, I thought it best to get something to get rid of the fleas! I also have a red ring two fingers wide around my left ankle. $80.00 later and every bug/flea repellant later I return home! Ready for battle, but only enough energy to put flea collars on the cats and bug spray on the kids and I. The fleas may have won the battle tonight, but tomorrow I win the war! (or my husband will because he'll be the one spraying all the pesticides while I go watch volleyball!