My Choice To Have It All

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-myth-of-the-modern-dad-exposed-new-book-claims-men-still-wont-sacrifice-their-careers-for-fatherhood-8622285.html

The above article link talks about the "myth" of the modern dad. The mythical modern dad is an equal parenting partner. He changes diapers, does feedings, attends school functions and regularly enjoys spending time with his children above all else.  Earlier in the day I also I read an article from Rebecca Walker who was discussing the damage done to her by her famous author/feminist mother Alice Walker. The damage was caused by the feminist notion that children enslave women and do not allow women to reach fulfillment. Both articles brought me to a state of early Sunday morning reflection on my own life path.

I was raised in a quasi feminist house. I was also raised in a quasi traditional house. Upon my reflection on my own adult choices I see the influence of both schools of thought. My mother was a college educated teacher from the south and my father was a working class,union president from New England. For the first eight years of my life my mom stayed at home. She cooked, she cleaned, she knit, she did needle work. My father was a pipefitter. He got up early, went to work, ate supper, read us a story and went to bed. If I got sick in the middle of the night my dad came. If I needed something to eat my mom came.

I never thought of their roles as feminine or masculine.  They naturally did what they did best. When I decided to build a tree house, play baseball or build an ice rink, my father participated and assisted with those activities. When I decided to bake, decorate a room or write a story, my mother participated and assisted with those activities. My parents participated and assisted my sister and I with activities based on what they were good at. My mom didn't enjoy outside activities and was not athletically inclined so she didn't do those activities with me. When my father got sick with lung cancer my mom went to work and my dad took over household duties. They were a team.

When my dad died my mom tried to have a career and family, but without my dad as her teammate some decidedly mascline chores fell to me. My mom also became more involved with her career the older we got. I doubt its a feminist move on her part but more a I miss my partner move.

Watching my parents and later my mother, I figured I could have a family and a fulfilling career. I can "have it all!" The trick wasn't having a feminist mentality that I didn't need a man, or that I can do anything a man can do.  The tricks have been finding a husband/partner whose willing to help and pick up my slack, knowing when its time to put the job down and pick the family up, and knowing that investing a little back into me makes me an all around better person. I have made a choice to balance family and career. Is it easy? No, but I'd hate not working and having children has been a truly positive life changing experience.  Both help define who I am and the balancing act to have it all is worth it.

Courageous? If You Have The Money

The news today has been littered with stories of how courageous Angelina Jolie was in going public with her decision to have a double mastectomy because she has a cancer gene. At the risk of hurting some truly courageous people who have fought and are fighting cancer I do not believe her decision, as difficult as it was, was couragerous. It was a decision she could make because she could afford to! What a great option to have!

Most Americans, if they went to their doctors and asked for such a procedure could not pay for it out of pocket, or get their insurance companies to fund it.  The media as a whole has neglected to discuss the issue of affordable healthcare.  Does America have the best health care in the world? Yes! Do most Americans have access to the best healthcare in the world? No!

Courageous to me would be if Angelina Jolie had come out and offered to fund some mastecomies for women who will never have the money, or healthcare to have such a life saving operation. Courageous to me would be if such a famous person would use her media stature to draw attention, raise money, or give public service announcements for cancer treatments and research.  Courageous to me are all the cancer fighters who fought insurance companies while fighting for their lives! Angelina Jolie was as courageous as her money allowed her to be!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! I've been reading wonderful tributes to mothers everywhere today and they are very touching, which in turn makes me a little touchy on the topic of motherhood. I obviously have a mother. I even attached a picture so you can see the similarities. By most people's account my mom has done a good job. I should serve as evidence of her undying love and sacrifice to her children.  I have a bunch of degrees, a large family which I support in the same field she has been in for over thirty years. My children are fed and happy most days. By most accounts I'm a good teacher like her, but if you scratch the surface just a little you'll see an entirely different picture.

My mom always made sure I had the stuff I needed. She never hit me. She wasn't over bearing, but she really wasn't mentally present in my life. If she couldn't throw money,or stuff at it, she didn't know what to do when it came to me. Cool when you're a kid; not so cool when you're an adult with kids of your own and a lack of financial resources to parent in such a way. I lacked a viable mother example for the situation I was in as a young mother. Hopefully, the therapy I've paid for over the years for my oldest has overcome this.

You see, my mom likes to save things and I never really needed saving. My independent nature is an inheritance from her. I'm not good with being told what to do (inheritance from my dad) and we never really jived. There's not lots of pictures with just me and my mom. I was more a Daddy's girl and when he got cancer I was forced into a parental role for my younger sister. I was encouraged to be mentally strong and useful so, that was my child hood. I had adult responsibility and my mom treated me like an adult from the age of ten.

I'm strong and resourceful thanks to my mom. My strong survival nature is a direct result of her parenting.  For that I'm grateful! I'm sure she did the best she could with what she had (namely me). When I was younger, I use to tell people I raised myself. I now know that's untrue because my oldest likes to say the same thing to me and I KNOW the parenting effort that has gone into him!

The wonderful tributes everyone is making to there mothers today, well I wish I could make one too, but our relationship doesn't work that way. She doesn't tell me she loves me. She doesn't tell me she's proud of me. She assumes I know and is uncomfortable if I bring such things up so, I don't. I have been blessed with some other mother figures that filled in the gaps. I hope my kids find such people to fill in their gaps. Being a mom is hard work. I know that now that I have kids of my own. I parent different than my mom did in hopes of getting a wonderful tribute when they are older. As for a wonderful tribute to my mom, I can say this: Thanks for trying your best! Most days I'm a happy, well adjusted, productive member of society and without my mom I wouldn't be!

Shocked and Proud at the Same Time

There's lots of things I could write about in light of this week's events in Boston and I will at a later date, but what just happened in my living room with my daughter's friend, who is spending the night shocked me and made me proud at the same time.  See my daughter's friend doesn't think races should mix. When this statement came out of her mouth I was shocked a seventh grader in this day and age would have such an archaic opinion about people. Apparently my daughter failed to tell her friend that her aunt, my sister is black. No one has told the poor girl that Elijah, Stephen and Zeke all have close friends that are "minorities." No one told the girl that my school children are predominantly minorities and I encourage my personal children to view them as family too. No one told the girl that she attends a school and lives in a community where she is the minority!

Like all parents I wonder if I've done a good job instilling knowledge and values that I find important (like bathing, wearing clean underware, tolerance, and patience when dealing with ignorance).  Its not that my kids don't know that racism exisit, they do. Its not that I don't know that people raise their kids with some racist ideology, I do. Its the fact that I wanted confirmation that my children don't share this little girl's ignorant views on inter racial interactions. Confirmation I got! Here are summaries of my children's responses to the little girl.

Elijah:  Well isn't she ignorant! Obviously she hasn't watched a lot of tv or noticed that white people are not always a majority.

Colin: Ummmm my aunt is black, my mom's volleyball team is black and I wouldn't like not being able to mix with them. If I was brown then you wouldn't associate with me and I could have the tv to myself. Mom how can I get browner?

Josie: I don't care what color my husband is as long as he's rich and loves me! (Okay, so I have some work to do with the materialistic nature of Josie's views on marriage).

So I'm proud my kids don't have racist viewpoints. At least I've accomplished something!

Engaging in the Dish Battle

After spending the last two hours of mind numbing health assessments for the insurance company, I am currently "supervising" my darling daughter doing the dishes, AT 945PM!  This has become an almost daily battle with her and she is a master procrastinator! Here's Josie's top 5 current attempts at avoiding dishes and engaging in battle with mom!

1. I have never seen someone so young need to use the bathroom so much when it is time to do the dishes.  She pees more than a woman having twins and only when she has to do the dishes.  I have counted twelve trips to the rest room from the time that she started the dishes to the time that I told her she could no longer use the rest room until the dishes were done!  Must be the water she isn't running when she is proclaiming how unfair it is that her only chore is doing the dishes that causes such bladder issues!

2. Three hours ago I learned that the dishwasher (that's as old as she is) has a plate warming feature!  Imagine that, plate warming!  Back in my day we called that the drying cycle and it did not impede our ability to unload the dishwasher and reload all the stuff that you were not planning on washing by hand.  Why we would need a plate warmer when everyone eats cereal or pop tarts 12 hours later for breakfast is beyond me, but apparently the plate warmer feature can't be disturbed?

3. 8:45 and 9:45 are about the same time!  Never mind that the girl is gifted in math and can add and subtract in her head faster than I can punch numbers in the calculator!  The time space continuum is only disrupted when Josephine has to do the dishes!

4. Josie has testing next week!  Really, state testing versus dishes?  Next WEEK?!  This impacts getting the dishes done tonight how?  Yeah!  She really couldn't answer that question either, but I can!  It does not and it will not effect testing next week either!  If testing is that important than said smarty pants daughter will make sure that the dishes are done before 8pm, the stated bed time that she has requested for next week. Oh and mom will remember that she requested such an early bed time!

5. Doing dishes is unfair labor practices because Josie's primary job is going to school and making good grades so she can go to Mercer!  I like how she throws the old Alma Mater in there.  Despite being informed that Josie will be paying for college all by herself and could probably use a skill such as dish washing to cover her $40,000 a year in tuition costs to go to Mercer, Josie feels that focusing solely on her academics is her best bet to becoming a Bear like mom.

I know that I will have to go put half the dishes that she is washing by hand back into the sink for her to redo because she half washed them thinking: One, no one would check and Two, mom wouldn't dare make her food in dirty bowls, pots or pans!  She isn't without resources and has proposed on numerous occasions possible solutions to the dish dilema.  Here are Josie's solutions to the daily dish battle:
1. Everyone take care of their own dishes.
2. Colin do the dishes
3. Mom do the dishes
4. Everyone can stop eating so much so no one will have to do the dishes
5. Hire a maid to do the dishes
At least she has some possible solutions to her avoidance behaviors, but her mother just won't fund or let Josie implement any of her solutions.  Apparently doing dishes makes it a rough life, but the dish battle will wage on until 2018- the year Josephine graduates high school!  Please wish her luck and pray for the avoidance of nuclear warfare from mom!  Thanks!

Lesson Plan: Survival

The average special education teacher lasts five years, I have been a special education teacher for 16.  This probably means one of two things: I'm either a very dedicated educator, or I'm a little slow on the uptake.  If I'm being honest it's probably a little of both!  I have a PhD and the certification to teacher regular education and be an administrator, which according to some people makes be a little over qualified for my current career.  I teach cross categorical special education, which means that students with health impairments  mental health issues, intellectual disabilities, behavior issues, autism and learning disabilities come to me for assistance with learning, or their behavior.

I have a soft spot for bad ass little boys who can't control their anger and will cuss anyone out in a ten mile vicinity, which is probably not a surprise to many people.  I also have a soft spot for little girls that will do the same, but there not at prevalent!  I have a deep appreciation for people that struggle within the norms of society, which probably is not a surprise either.  I usually enjoy what I do and I have been very successful at it, which is a surprise to some people.  I know that I'm good at what I do because two of my former students are now teachers themselves and have told me I was a great influence in their decision.  I have had countless parents stop and tell me thank you for getting their kids through high school.  Now that I have been teaching for almost twenty years, I even have some former students who ask where I'm teaching so that they can make sure that their kids get me as a teacher.

As experienced and good as I am, the nature of the week before a break is SURVIVAL!  Don't believe me?  Ask any teacher and they will tell you that children lose their minds the week before break!  Kids don't feel compelled to work, they are antsy to get out of school and in case you are wondering....teachers are too!  If all hell is going to break out is is going to be the week before a break.  That's the kind of week that I'm having and so are many of my other co workers.  Girl drama, verbal altercations, tardies to class, medical emergencies, lost work, crying for no apparent reason, tests, major projects due that students wait until the day before to finish....these have all been part of my week and it's only Tuesday.

Today I was observed, in the midst of assisting one of my students in calling a parent for the fifth time to come pick up her kid who wasn't feeling well.  My administration came to see me teach the week before a break, unannounced! I didn't have essential questions or what we were doing on the board yet because I had spent the first period sorting out a behavioral mess with an assistance principal and second period sorting out some girl drama and tending to the ailing student.  Did I mention that my room is a mess due to having to relocate all the volleyball equipment for construction?  My students were great, just needed reminders that yes we were indeed going to write a four paragraph essay of Africa.  All things considered I think everything went smashingly well.  Then the email hit asking for a lesson plan for today. Really?  I need to find this during survival week?  I haven't sat since I walked in the door.  I appreciate the fact that administration was willing to wait until after 5pm to receive the documents (all 49 pages of them).  The professional in me turned in the plans.  The person with a soft spot for bad ass little boys and girls wanted to put some colorful commentary on the top of it, but knew it wasn't part of my behavior plan!  After all, the learning objective of this week is SURVIVAL UNTIL SPRING BREAK!  Even a student a little slow on the uptake knows that :)

Sunday Best Running

My Sunday Best Running Outfit

So this weekend I had a nice 6 mile run.  The rain held out for an hour and a half, I was able to avoid most of the puddles, and while grey and chilly, I had the road to myself.  I even found a dollar on the sidewalk at the one mile marker.  I ran without my customary knee strap.  Things were going as good as can be expected on a chilly, damp Sunday long run, until an hour and 15 minutes into the run, somewhere around mile 5ish, a young couple passed me with a rude comment about my outfit (which is pictured above minus my orange and purple stripped skull cap).  They were in their early 20's and passed me without a word on a downhill stretch.  Scared the snot, literally, out of me and then I heard the comment.

"Someone obviously got dressed in the dark.  That outfit doesn't even match!" said the girl.
"That's probably why she's walking down the hill!" said the boy.

And with that they jogged up the hill!  The girl with her capri pants, clean white shoes and a grey yoga sweater.  The boy with his grey tee shirt, black tube socks and basketball shorts.  Who the hell are these people to comment on my running gear!  It goes against the inclusive nature of the running community!  I was wearing high tech, dry fit, performance running gear!  So what if it didn't match!  At least you can see me instead of blending into the grey, gloomy sky!  As mismatched as this outfit is, I paid a lot of money for it!  It wicks, it reflects, it resists odors, it damn near does everything but run for you! Who the hell are these two kids.... Then it hit me!

I have become a keeper of the sport!  One of those runners who is happy that you're out there no matter the pace, or the outfit.  One of those runners who appreciates the front of the pack for their athletic proneness and the back of the pack for sticking in there and finishing the race upright!  The urgent need to educate these two rude, young people on the inclusive, supportive nature of our sport was overwhelming, but the two young people jogged up the hill. I wish I had been a little quicker so I could impart some wisdom on those two young, able bodied joggers, but I'm not quick and as loud as my outfit was I wasn't in any shape to holler after them after 5 and a half miles!

So here's what I would of said if I could of caught them up the hill (damn bone fragments and hills don't get along so I walk them). Hey, able bodied young people, enjoy that quick pace now, before kids, and family and job demands interfere with your training schedule.  Enjoy the fact that your joints allow you to run in cheap no brand running shoes and that you won't have to ice those abused joints from those cheap running shoes in say, about five years (when you hit thirty and your body decides it doesn't have to recover quickly, or burn calories at a rapid rate).  Enjoy the fact that the only thing you notice on a weekend run is an older lady in a loud, mismatched outfit instead of enjoying the city sweeping the sidewalks so you don't trip over trash or the relative quiet from a busy, loud, demanding life of most adults with children.  And while I'm at it, please take time to encourage others who are being active.  There are so many people sitting on couches either by choice, or medical condition that can't enjoy the movement of their bodies and see you as an inspiration to what might be if they ever get off the couch. Buy some dry fit.  If you're going to run and comment on what others are wearing you should at least be dressed in appropriate garb to be running's What Not To Wear.  Oh, one more thing, my socks don't match either, but there just as happy as the rest of me to get another run in and that's really what its all about!