Sitting at the soccer field today there were two women about my age discussing their summer plans.
"What is James doing the last week of June? I need a friend to go to camp with Andrew in North Carolina."
"I can't afford another camp this summer!"
"Oh, I'd pay for James to go."
"That's very sweet of you, but the family is going to Paris for a couple of weeks, starting that week."
The two women then proceeded to discuss traveling to Paris, France with their respective family structures, like it was a common place thing to take a family of five to Paris, France for two weeks in the summer. Little James will also be attending three stay away camps this summer too. How do you get a life like that?
As I turned to go to my little station wagon, I noticed I was parked between these two women's SUV's. There were nice private school stickers on the back of their windows. Their cars were nice and clean. There were not coke cans on the floor boards, or wrappers from hurried meals in the car to and from work/practices. There was no dirt, or the splatters of dead bugs on their windshields because they were out of washing fluid. These two women did not have sliver highlights showing because I'm sure they can afford for the hair dresser to color their hair more than twice a year. If I stopped in at their houses I'm sure that they have manicured lawns and clean houses because the yard man and housekeeper make sure everything is tidy. Designer sunglasses and handbags sitting on the grass beside their 50.00 Eddie Bauer chairs and me with a Chick Fil A bag and my phone, catching a few minutes of Elijah's soccer game, before leaving to the every eight week luxury of having a professional cut my hair. While the teams were warming up I sat there and listened to their conversation with a heavy heart. These women were leading interesting lives, going places, they had stuff and charities they were raising money for and children who were doing great things. They have parties and functions to attend that are not work related.
They could of left me alone and I could of listened jealous of their lives but Elijah made a save and then they started questioning me. Where were we from? (Originally Maine) What did I do? (Assistant Principal at a High School) What did my husband do? (Drives a fork lift in a warehouse) Was that a Mercer Sticker on your car? (Yes, all four of my degrees come from there) How many kids do you have? (Five) Is Elijah the oldest? (No he's number 4, the oldest graduates high school in a couple of weeks) Do you find working and taking care of children difficult? (It has it's moments) I bet you enjoy your summers off? (No, I work in the summer. AP's and Volleyball coaches don't get the summer off) Won't you get to travel somewhere this summer? (I'll be taking some students to DC for National History Day Competition, but other than that probably not) Camps? (For the kids possibly if I can find a way to squeeze some money from a stone). I'm sure these questions were not meant to make me feel bad, or inadequate. The ladies were just trying to converse with an opposing team. Perhaps they were trying to make me feel welcome. They were very impressed with Elijah's skills, but they only left me questioning my own life and value in this world.
Where have I gone wrong? Why is my life not filled with travel, adventure, meaningful contributions to humanity? Why are my kids not star athletes, gifted musicians, or academic top ten? Usually I just pass off such comparisons to other people's lives as I have taken the road less traveled and it has made all the difference, but over the last couple days I'm no longer sure about that conviction. Perhaps its the reality that my children are starting to leave the nest. My oldest graduates high school in a couple weeks. He's choosing his own path. He's opting out of college, taking a part time job at Wal-Mart, and waiting for an opening with the sheriffs department in September. He didn't take senior photos, and until his grandmother threatened to kick him out of her house if he did not participate in graduation ceremonies, he wasn't going to do that either. His classmates are going to school, winning scholarships and posting pictures on social media thanking their parents. Their parents are posting those proud parent pictures and touting their wonderful children's virtues. My oldest has no such inclination and will allow me one (maybe two if I'm quick on the button) photos graduation night.
Here's the road less traveled for yah! I get up, I go to work. If I'm particularly productive I'll run before work. I help teachers and kids when I can. I bake (although I'm pretty sure the lemon pound cake in the oven right now will be another disaster, as it is overflowing all over the stove). I write blog posts that on average 30 people read. I pay the bills. I feed my family. I have three cars, two with over 100,000 miles on them and all in some state of disrepair. I have two houses. One we live in that is a mess and one we can't sell, or live in. I have five relatively, healthy kids that I hope will become happy, productive citizens who remember to call their mom and come to Sunday dinner. I married my best friend who loves me despite the speeding tickets, the high probability that I will lose my keys for the 100th time, and the constant self doubt I have that I'm good enough for anything I do. My life is not exciting. The most exotic place I have traveled to is Quebec City and that was in 8th grade. Those two women with their charity work, and cars and vacation plans are throwing me into a midlife crisis, if only I could afford one!
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